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Finding what was lost

Posted by Rachel Bollin on

Before I was a mom, I was me. 

 Who was I?  I was energetic, athletic, and a little bit selfish.   When I say selfish, I mean in ways that really didn't seem selfish, they just seemed normal.  I worked out when I wanted to, always had my hair done and if I wanted to go do something, I did it. Then I became a mom, and then I became a care taker to a very ill husband.  I put all of my energy into three things; My babies, my husband and my small business.  

Once Tony was well and back at work, the cycle continued. Except now, my energy was the company and the children.  As the stress of owning a small business continued, more and more I lost myself.  My normal uniform, yoga pants covered in soap, hair in a pony tail and always with my twins by my side.  My clothes seemed to shrink, my skin became dried and discolored and my hair got more grey.  I had officially lost myself.  

I tried to justify it all, convincing myself that I was no spring chicken and I shouldn't worry about my looks.  But it wasn't just how I looked that made me sad, it was how I felt.  Frumpy.  

F. R. U. M.P.Y.  Frumpy  and miserable.

As much as I knew what was happening, I was sure there was nothing I could do about it.  I blamed my business, my husband and the realities of being a mom on my perpetual cycle of frump land.  

One day, I stood in the mirror.  Looking at myself after spending an hour trying to find something to wear.  What had become of me?  What have I done to myself?  For two days, I shuffled around in sorrow.  Searching for something or someone to place the blame on as I always did.  There was no one to blame, but me.  And there was no one who could fix me, but me.  

I turned on my first Pilates video and just tried it out.  15 min was all I did.  Instantly, I felt better. So that night I did another.  Then I tried Zumba.  All while the twins joined me and we laughed and laughed together trying to keep up.  I felt better.  I was no longer stressed when I went to the shop.  The little mistakes in shipping and feeling let down by an investor who was still on the fence, didn't bother me.  

I also started leaving the twins home for a few hours on the weekend with Tony.  I walk the aisles of Target, alone.  I plan to go for a pedicure this week and get my eyebrows done.  

Don't get me wrong, I still feel guilt the entire time I'm out alone.  Mom guilt is the worst, but I know I'm a better mom when I focus on me for just a little while.

 I'm still far from being me again, and honestly, I doubt I will ever be the same.  I mean that in a good way.  I have so much more than I did back then, a beautiful family, and a business that has so much potential, it's just waiting for the world to see.